Sometimes the hardest thing is being seen as who you were, instead of who you’ve become.
I get really frustrated when people keep asking me how I am.
I take it personally, as if they think something is not quite right and I need to change something. It makes me feel like there is a power play or some sort of hierarchy, as if I am a child again. It triggers me to become incredibly defensive.
On reflection, I know they mean well. However, I am not that version of myself anymore. My thoughts and behaviours are shaped more by the things I have gone through and struggled with than by the naïve younger version of myself.
I tend to feel this most around people who have been in my life a long time, especially my family.
Sometimes I feel they are holding on to ideas of me that were true 10 years ago but are no longer true today. They talk about the past and say, “you used to do this,” or question what I do now. At times, it can feel like judgement or like they do not understand me.
I can also see that they mean well and are looking out for me in their own way, but I still struggle with the idea that they may not have seen me grow in the same way I have. Maybe they did not see the pain and struggle I went through.
In many ways, I would love to be that younger version of myself, before all of my struggles. I was naïve and free.
But I can no longer be that person.
Life threw a lot of curveballs at me. I went through grief, hardship, and tears. I spent a lot of time alone with my struggles, not knowing how to navigate them. No one taught me what anxiety was or how to understand that growing feeling in your stomach when something makes you feel on edge.
No one ever explained what a panic attack was or how to self-soothe after feeling overwhelmed. I had to learn all of that for myself.
So, when people remind me of who I used to be, it makes me want to scream, “I am not that person anymore.”
I had to grieve the past versions of myself, and being reminded of them can be painful.
I know people do not mean harm. They probably think the past might offer comfort or strength. But often, I feel seen for who I was rather than for who I am today.
Still, I am proud of that growth because it made me stronger and more resilient.
I am trying to come to terms with the idea that the people in my life may always see me as my younger self.
It is a bittersweet feeling because, as much as I grieve the past, there are also happy memories and parts of that time I still crave. If I had a time machine, I would go back to those younger years, cherish them, and hold them even tighter.
I would hold on to that version of myself, when my biggest concerns were trivial and nonchalant. The ironic thing is that these people are my time machine into the past. But their reminders can also make me feel sad, as if that younger version of me had no idea what was coming.
I am trying to be patient with the people around me.
The people who do not always see my growth may also be clinging to the past. Maybe they find comfort in that version of my life. Maybe, by asking how I am and seeing that I am no longer that person, they are trying to figure out who I am now and how to be with me.
It takes a lot to be patient, and I am not always good at it. But I can either sit with the resentment or try my best to accept.
So when people ask me how I am, I am going to try to explain that, although it may be hard, I have learned a lot along the way.