So, I’ve been working with this client for a while. We have had many months of working once a week in a therapy setting. I have the privilege of getting to know many aspects of this person’s life. This client will not be named throughout the article and all quotes will be paraphrased.
This is the story of one session where we discussed many aspects of the client’s life in summary. The way she summed up her view of herself was heartbreaking. The way she described herself was ‘broken’.
My own thoughts concluded that I knew she was not broken but I wanted to see where she was going with this. I simply asked: “What makes you think you’re broken?”
The client listed features of her life, environment, personality and portrayed them as being not ideal. Whether it was her ethnicity, being a member of LGBT, her hobbies, her struggles with mental health, or even her experiences of being horrifically bullied when she was young, all of these attributes equally contributed to her conclusion that she must be ‘broken’.
She claimed her friends disagree and say she’s not broken, that she is kind and compassionate, a loving friend and capable of anything. They claim there is nothing broken about her at all. She says this with an air of conflict, like it’s a debate and it is her against them on this topic. I ask: “How does it feel hearing this from friends?””
“It’s nice but I don’t find it very helpful.”
“I see…” the wheels turning in my brain, taking note of how her friends saying kind things about her didn’t quite help the way we would think. It’s not like they were going to agree with her. And then the penny dropped.
“So, is it okay if I share my opinion for a minute about this?” I begin just to clarify.
“Of course,” she replies, eager to gain my perspective. I’m grateful she can lend me the floor.
Now I know what you are going to say, so bear with me on this, okay? Because what happened next was, I did one simple thing.
I agreed.
“So yeah, I’d agree that you’re broken. And? That’s okay…….”
“Being LGBT, of a certain ethnicity or having mental health struggles don’t make you broken. Being all of these things, this, that and the other make you who you are. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to be ‘broken’. In fact, that’s amazing. And you can call it what you want and see yourself as all these different things, but it would be a mistake to see them as bad things, because there is nothing wrong with being broken. It is just you, being who you are.”
“Again, this is just my opinion,” I say with my hands raised in the air, taking a breath. I watched my client slowly grin as the thought sunk in slowly. “You’re not broken,” I said with a smile. “You are just you. And that’s okay. Being LGBT and all these different things make you the person you are. These are what make you the kind and compassionate person your friends say you are. There’s nothing broken about any of that at all. Does that make sense…?”
I wanted her to know that she wasn’t broken, but different, and difference is beautiful. Difference should be celebrated. On one hand, she may have felt like she was broken because she didn’t conform, but on the other hand, she didn’t need to conform. She was perfect the way she was.
I’ll never forget the single tear that fell down her cheek, a happy tear that showed it was starting to sink in. That they are okay being just who they are, that all these dots that make them up as a person are not a list of things to be ashamed of but are qualities that they can learn to be proud of.
I winded down the rest of the session watching her slowly adjust her perspective and begin to see her qualities in a more compassionate light. I watched her reduce her harsh criticisms of herself and find solace in the idea that it is okay to be who she is. Sometimes in this work you get to just sit back and watch.
There are not many sessions where I share such profound notions like this one, but sessions like these and moments where the client understands it is okay to be themselves are moments worth sharing. You’ll be glad to hear the client has since integrated this notion gradually into their self-concept and we touch base on it every now and then in session. They are gradually learning to view this list of attributes as positives rather than negatives. Because if this is the definition of ‘broken’, then it’s a pretty cool way to be.
As this is my first article sharing my experiences, I hope to have the opportunity to share more with you and hope to improve my story telling of these amazing moments and journeys that I see on my practice. I hope you find something in this that you can take with you, and hopefully you find this story just as profound as we did. And I sincerely hope there are many more moments to come