Someone asked me recently, “Do you ever feel lonely even though you are surrounded by people?” I thought for a minute and then replied, “Yes.”
There is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Being alone means taking physical space away from others and taking time for ourselves. For some people, being alone can be enjoyable or relaxing. Whereas loneliness is an emotion or feeling where we want to feel closer to others but aren’t. Loneliness usually includes feeling isolated and disconnected. It’s not a comforting feeling or a feeling that tends to spark much joy; instead, it can be a feeling of emptiness.
Feeling lonely is not about being around people. It is about craving a sense of connection, understanding, and feeling valued. For me, loneliness is a feeling of loss. In my mind, I think of the connections or support I would like but just can’t seem to access. I crave that connected feeling but also see it as an uphill climb that I can’t quite hike.
The feeling of loneliness or the loss of connection can be quite consuming and heavy. For me, loneliness is an uncomfortable feeling that seems to rest in my chest and my heart as if there is a weight sat on top of me. The funny thing about loneliness is that it usually comes up when I have been around a lot of people. I can feel the disconnect between myself and others. It feels as if even though the other person is geographically close, we are a million miles away from each other. The feeling of emotional distance often feels isolating, and I can leave interactions feeling worse or feeling like the loneliness has been magnified.
Sometimes, to protect myself from the loneliness, I wear a metaphorical mask. This mask is a happier, more connected version of myself that is more tuned into the people around me. I wear this mask out of care – so that others don’t realise how lonely I feel or worry about me. Wearing a mask can sometimes be helpful; it can stop me from spiralling into the pits of loneliness and can, at times, provide some relief from the feelings. But in most instances, it only puts more distance between me and others.
I sometimes wonder if other people can see behind the mask. It is scary to take off the mask. It means being vulnerable and open. But ironically, the thing that helps me feel less lonely and the thing I usually crave from others is that openness and vulnerability.
I guess it doesn’t really matter if others see behind my mask. They are still spending time with me and trying. Although I usually don’t feel connected to them, I really appreciate that someone is trying. Surpassing that lonely feeling isn’t something that usually happens overnight or with one good interaction – it usually takes time. I find on my journey, getting away from the wallowing pit of loneliness means challenging my thoughts. It means seeing the effort that people are putting in, no matter how small, and it means still doing the social events despite how I feel. Usually, bit by bit, it gets a bit easier, and I start to feel a bit better. Regaining a sense of connection is hard, but it is also important. But maybe taking off that mask is a quicker way to feel a bit better. Maybe by being more open and vulnerable with others, I realise loneliness is a challenging feeling but one, I suspect, I am not alone in.